How My Marriage Fell Apart—and the Truth It Revealed About Self-Deception and Authenticity

Happy Couple

What does it mean to do the work.

When I reflect on that phrase, "doing the work", I ask myself is "doing the work" an exploration of what it takes to pursue growth and authenticity? The phrase suggests that self-improvement isn’t just about surface-level changes, but involves deeper, more uncomfortable introspection.

“Doing the work” becomes a process of peeling back those layers, challenging our own stories, and ultimately aligning our actions with a more authentic version of who we are.

At its core, it starts with telling the truth.

That’s where the real challenge starts for many of us.

If we're able to be honest with ourselves, we will realize that we are often conditioned by biases and narratives that distort our understanding of what’s true. That first attempt at real truth is often a reflection of our assumptions, biases, and the convenient stories we create to protect ourselves. True growth only begins when we challenge that initial version, search our soul, and question the perspectives we've always held. It starts when we first recognize the lies, we’ve been telling ourselves, coupled with the courage to confront the uncomfortable truths buried beneath.

I’ve been on this journey of healing and truth these past years. I've had to get real with myself and hold myself accountable for the stories that I tell myself.

My divorce was the genesis that put me on this path—one that ultimately led me through growth, acceptance, and a commitment to living in truth.

But it was far from easy. I walked through sadness, bitterness, blame, and suicidal thoughts, before I found my way to acceptance, freedom, and truth.

It all began on a Father's Day years ago. After a day of hiking with some of the kiddos, my ex and I sat together in the sunroom. She had given me a Father’s Day card, and as I read it, I sensed that something was off. When I asked her what was on her mind, her response is burned into my memory.

She said, “You’re the best man that I know, and I love you, but I’m in love with someone else. I want a divorce.”

Those words echoed in my mind like a nightmare. Tears streamed down my face as my life crumbled around me.

At the time, I believed we had a good marriage, and I was blindsided in that moment. It felt like I had just lost 20 years and felt unequivocally betrayed.

I prefer to believe that she didn’t choose Father’s Day out of malice. I tell myself that it was simply the moment she finally found her voice and the courage to use it.

I mistook her silence in our relationship for happiness, or at least contentment.

Perhaps I was so busy building a life for her that I forgot to build a life with her.

From that moment on, we barely spoke, except about the kids. There was so much I never found closure on, and at that time it was all tearing me apart. In my pain, I made the divorce way harder than it needed to be. I did not close that chapter of my life with grace.

As I wrestled with coming to terms with my divorce, I realized how deeply rooted my reactions were to everything unraveling around me. Yes, I was grieving the loss of my marriage and the future I thought we would build, but I was also confronted with something deeper within myself.

It became clear that my struggles didn’t begin that day in the sunroom on Father’s Day—they were shaped long before, in a childhood marked by turmoil and hardship. Growing up with a parent battling mental illness and violence, I learned early on that survival meant finding strength in the adversity of the moment.

That sounds like a useful skill, and in many ways, it was. But what I also took from those experiences, growing up surrounded by violence, was that avoiding confrontation felt safer than facing problems head-on. I became conditioned to avoid conflict in my relationship at all costs.

Looking back, is it possible the warning signs in my marriage that I chose to overlook were less about her actions and more about how I failed to show up, communicate, and be authentic?

Our issues might have been less about external factors and more about a longing for the emotional connection I failed to provide.

• The flowers another man sent to our home early in our marriage. Was that because I somehow failed to provide her with the attention or validation that she needed?

• The lingering eye contact she held with an old neighbor during that New Year’s Eve game night. A reflection of the connection we were lacking?

• The guys always popping up in her DMs. Did she allow that because she felt unappreciated in her marriage?

These moments nagged at me, but instead of facing them or asking why they happened, I buried them. In doing so, I convinced myself that avoiding confrontation would keep the peace, when in reality, it just deepened the distance between us.

It's natural to want to place blame when things fall apart—whether it's in a relationship, a project, or a life situation. But doing that often keeps us stuck in the past, focusing on what others did wrong instead of what we can learn. In my case, this isn’t about casting judgment or finding fault with anyone else; it’s about taking a brutally honest look at myself. Admittedly, I stayed stuck and blamed her for far too long.

By reflecting on what I did—or failed to do—I’m recognizing the areas where I could have been more present, more engaged, and more in tune with the needs of the relationship. It’s not about self-blame either; it’s about responsibility. Growth begins when I shift the focus from external circumstances and start asking the tough questions about my own role in what happened.

This self-examination is crucial for progress. It’s less about dwelling on past mistakes and more about identifying patterns that need changing, so I can show up better in the future. By focusing on my own accountability, I’m not just learning from this experience—I’m using it as fuel for personal development, ensuring that I’m moving forward with more clarity and intention. Ultimately, this journey is about becoming a stronger, wiser version of myself, not just for my sake, but for any future relationships and endeavors.

As I continued to wrestle with the impact of my divorce and my role in it, I realized that part of the healing process involved forgiveness—both of myself and of others. Forgiveness is not just about letting go of anger or resentment; it’s about acknowledging my own contributions to the breakdown of my marriage. I had to come to terms with the ways I had failed to communicate and engage emotionally, and how these failures contributed to our problems. Forgiving myself for these mistakes was crucial. It allowed me to see that while I wasn’t solely responsible for the end of my marriage, I did play a part in it. This self-awareness was not about self-blame but about understanding and growth. Forgiveness also extended to my ex. It was a way to release the hold that past grievances had on me, to accept that we were both imperfect and had our own struggles. This process was a significant part of my journey toward healing and moving forward.

As I reflect on my journey through personal turmoil and growth, it becomes clearer that I'm not alone in this struggle.

Each of us carries our own set of challenges and uncomfortable truths that we tend to avoid. For me, it was the realization of how my childhood shaped my approach to conflict and how this influenced my relationships.

The journey to self-awareness and growth is rarely straightforward. It requires us to face the things we’d rather ignore, to peel back layers of our own denial, and to confront uncomfortable realities. It’s about acknowledging those patterns that we’ve used to protect ourselves but that ultimately hinder our true progress.

If you’re reading this, consider: What’s one thing you’ve been avoiding that you need to confront? It might be a difficult conversation, a persistent behavior, or a hard truth about yourself.

True personal transformation begins when we embrace these challenges. Integrating the Code5 principles—Faith, Family, Fullness, Fitness, and Finance—into your life offers a roadmap for this journey. These principles help you build resilience, foster balanced growth, and achieve excellence in every aspect of your life.

By applying Code5, you align your actions with a more authentic version of yourself. It’s not just about overcoming obstacles but also about creating a life of purpose and fulfillment.

You’re not alone in this struggle. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth. It’s essential to confront the uncomfortable truths and patterns that have held us back. Together, we can face our challenges head-on, seek clarity, and make purposeful strides forward. By acknowledging our past and taking responsibility for our growth, we open the door to transformation and a more fulfilling future. Let’s commit to this path with courage and determination, knowing that each step we take is a move toward a better version of ourselves.

Save Nothing for the Next Life.